Important.

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So I wanted to talk about net neutrality. Which is what we currently have. Free range of the internet. Freedom of speech. Freedom to gather and supply information any time we please, however we please.

Once again, this December, the government will be voting on whether or not to get rid of net neutrality. And there going to do it how they always pass anything they know the public wouldn’t agree with. They’re going to dress it up like something else. They’ll dress it as something good for people. They’ll make it sound like it will keep us safe and blah blah blah. You’ve heard all the spiels before. And every time they do something like this, it’s just another way to strip away at our rights little by little.

Without net neutrality, the internet will look similar to the picture I posted above. Everything will be in bundles. You’ll be restricted from everything, unless you pay for that bundle.

It’s pathetic that this is actually an issue.

And if you’re wondering why the media isn’t covering this (how convenient), it’s because Comcast owns NBC, CNBC and MSNBC and ATT&T owns CNN. And the cable companies are the main people who want to do away with net neutrality.

Please get involved. Contact your state government officials as soon as possible. Talk to them. Leave messages. And let them know that you are not okay with them doing this.

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For the best.

I’m starting to realize how completely wrong you are for me.
You’re an addictive high. And I’m starting to come down.

I lost sight of myself in all of this. I got lost. I sacrificed so much of myself to make you happy, and that was extremely wrong of me. It’s a mistake that I’ve made before with other people in my life. A mistake that I told myself I would never make again, but I did it anyway.

I’m not going to tell myself that I won’t do it again. I’m just going to promise myself that I need to start making that mistake on people more worthy of it.

You’re a good person. And you didn’t really do anything wrong. I was just unable to see your flaws because of my blind devotion. And that’s one hundred percent on me.

I still think you deserve the whole world. I thought that it was something only I could give you, but now I’m sure there’s someone else out there more suited for a person like you.

Somebody more submissive. Someone a little more quiet. Someone a little less bold.

And that’s okay. All that matters is that I recognize it.

You’re still my best friend and I still love you. I always will.

Prudent

Something I am not. Something I have never been.

When I was asked for the first time, in elementary school, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I responded, “A bird.” I knew I couldn’t be a bird. I understood that it was physically impossible to transform from human to bird. I just wanted to fly.

During high school my guidance counselor asked me where I saw myself in five years. I said, “Somewhere.” He looked confused, but I honestly didn’t know how to answer that question because I didn’t really see myself anywhere specific.

I’ve always lived my life day by day. I pity people who work a boring desk job for 50 years, saving all of their pennies for retirement. My thought has always been, “What if I don’t make it to retirement?” What then? What was the point if I get hit by a bus walking across the street? You can’t plan for your life when you don’t know what’s going to happen.

Buy the shoes. Eat the cake. Travel. Make memories. Love. Smile. Laugh so loud you snort. Just live.

“Nobody can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel. You’re in control of your own emotions. You choose how you feel.”

My mom has been saying this to me my entire life. I used to believe her. I used to think that I was too emotional or too sensitive or too dramatic.
I’ve learned with age that that is wrong. Very very wrong.

We are not in complete control of our emotions. You don’t get to choose how you feel. If it were true, I currently wouldn’t be in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way towards me. I would just stop being in love with him. I wouldn’t be angry with my mother for the way she’s treated me and my siblings. I would simply just choose not to be angry. Depression and anxiety and other mental illnesses wouldn’t exist. Because people would just choose not to feel that way.

My mother has a rug that she sweeps everything under. She believes that as long as you tell yourself that it doesn’t affect you, that it won’t. Not even realizing that what she’s doing isn’t choosing how to feel; She’s choosing not to deal. She’s basically lying to herself, and it’s so completely unhealthy and delusional because all of those problems still live underneath her surface. Nothing gets resolved. Nothing gets handled.

She used to be able to make me feel so inferior. And now I don’t let her do that to me anymore. Because I know that I have every right to feel the way that I do. Everyone has every right to feel however they feel.

I hope anyone reading this understands that. I hope you understand that you have every right to feel however you are feeling right now. I also hope that, for your mental state’s sake, that you are equipped with the proper tools you need to deal with problems in a healthy manner. Because it took me so incredibly long to find mine.

Just A Few Adjustments.

I’m going to dive right in. For starters, I fell in love. I fell in love with someone who isn’t in love with me. And that, in itself, is super hard to deal with. Especially when you fall in love with someone who is your best friend and they aren’t in love with you in return. It hurts. It sucks. It’s miserable. It’s hard to fucking deal with. And I’m not the best at dealing with things that are hard or confusing or misleading or anything else you can think of to call it.

He’s amazing. He’s my best friend. And we are literally together every. single. day. Talk about a pain in the ass. And I know what you’re thinking. Why not just stop hanging out with him? Because I’ve been having the time of my life. I’ve learned so many things by having him in my life. I’ve grown and I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone. I’ve gone places and done things I would have never thought I’d do. And that’s important. It’s important to try new things. Growing is so important.

He makes me happy. Even if it’s not in the way I want him to. He makes me calm. He makes me realize what’s important in life. He makes me feel alive.

And I’ll hold onto it as long as I can. Because I feel honored to even have him at all.

Second, my period stopped about ten years ago. I had cysts on my ovaries and my period stopped and I was told that it probably wasn’t coming back. The word pre-menopausal was thrown around. It was super weird.

Well…I fell in love and apparently my body decided it wants a baby because now my period is back. And that’s been insane. For all the ladies reading this, remember your very first period? And how hard it was to adjust to it? And how much it fucked with you at first? Okay, well try reliving those adolescent days in your late twenties. It’s been insane.

So I’ve just been trying to learn how to deal. And it may take me some more time. But at the end of the day, I’m happy. I’m healthy. And I’m just taking it one day at a time. It’s all anyone can do.

Be happy. Be healthy. Live. Laugh. Love. Be free. Have a ball. Don’t take the things you have for granted. You’re lucky to have what you have.

Today is the day.

The day I start living my life without you.
The day I let go of the love of my life. My best friend. My everything.

Because I know that the hurt I’ll feel without you will eventually grow to be smaller than the hurt I currently feel when I’m with you.

I love you. I want you to have everything you deserve in life. I want you to have nothing but the ultimate happiness. I hope you find love. I wish you success. I hope all of your dreams come true.

I hope that me leaving won’t inflict any pain on you. And if it does, I’m truly sorry. And I hope that pain passes quickly.

I hope you get to do all of the things you want to do.
I hope you climb mountains.
I hope you touch the stars.
I hope your song gets played on the radio.
I hope everything for you.

I hope you never think about me. I hope that this hurts only me.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I know I’m doing the right thing. For both of us.

Thank you for everything.

Jesus.

This feels big. It’s not a chase him around the playground because he’s cute. It’s not butterflies in your stomach because he smiled at you. It’s not giddy because you got paired up for a science project.

It’s not childish. It’s not playful. It’s not innocent, either.

It’s I want all of you, every single inch, including the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s I want to know every detail and every story that makes up who you are. It’s the fact that there are so many things about you that would normally have my heart running away kicking and screaming, but it’s the exact opposite.

It’s a little ugly, too. Isn’t it? Feeling this way for someone who has no interest in you. Letting them have every part of you, knowing they don’t appreciate it the way it should be. Letting myself fall for someone who’s looking for someone else. Already jealous of whatever girl gets to be that lucky.

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back.
It’s my personal torture.

But I let it happen anyway.
And it will all blow up in my face. Very badly.

Leaving pieces of me scattered around for the birds to pick at.

Just tell me how to make it stop before it’s too late.
Please.

My Own Little Hell

I think I need to distance myself from you.
I thought that I could continue being your friend.
I thought I could do this.

I cry every time you leave.
I can’t understand why you do and say the things you do, but you claim to not have feelings for me.
I don’t think I can handle being your friend, especially being just your friend.

What happens when you meet someone?
What happens when you move on from me?
What happens when I’m no longer needed?

I love being here for you, especially because I feel that you met me for a reason.
I’m in your life for a reason.
I just hope that whatever that reason is, that it is fulfilled soon.
Because I can’t keep pretending.

I can’t keep pretending that I’m the “cool girl” who can just turn her feelings off.
Or ignore them.
Or tell them to go away.

I can’t keep pretending that I’m not wanting every single piece of you every single minute we’re together. And not together.

I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I’m trying so hard to be a good friend. I respect that you don’t feel the same way towards me, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy.

It’s not easy joking around with you.
It’s not easy having your arms around me.
It’s not easy looking over at you and catching you staring at me.
None of this is easy at all.
I’m constantly walking on eggshells so I don’t say something stupid or so I don’t freak you out and at the same time I’m trying to maintain how I’ve always acted around you.

I wish I never told you how I felt. Because at least then I could keep pretending that you wanted this too.

And you don’t.
And so I’m stuck.
I’m stuck between wanting you and wanting to be over you.

I wish I knew the right thing to do.

You asked me to write you a love letter. I’m not going to give this to you.

You asked me to write you a love letter. You never said I had to actually give it to you. Or even confirm that I wrote one. You just asked me to do it.

Having you in my life has been wild. I have so much fun with you. You always keep me smiling and laughing. We have the best conversations. And even though your ideas are crazy, irresponsible, dangerous and usually borderline impossible, I love them. Because they come from you.

I could listen to you talk all day. I would never get tired of it. You could sit there for three hours and just say the word ‘lamp’ every thirty seconds, and I wouldn’t be bored.

I wish you realized how I look at you.

I love that you always smell good. And it’s not just because you have different kinds of expensive cologne. There’s an actual science to natural pheromones and the way our bodies mix with our artificial smells. You’re intoxicating.

You’re a drug addict. And you think that deems you unworthy, but I’m so proud of you. I admire you for being strong and kicking the drugs. I admire you for your struggle and for trying so hard to turn your life around. I think so highly of the fact that you wake up every day and choose not to take them. And even if you did, I would still be here. Still rooting for you. Still by your side no matter what.

I love your music. You’re talented and wonderful and if you ever wanted to do something more with it, I support the shit out of you. I’ll be your biggest fan. I can tell you love it. You’re so passionate.

I love how nice you are to my animals. Even though you don’t even like cats. I also love how much they both love you too.

I just want you to be happy. No matter what you’re doing or where you are or who you’re with. I just want you to be so incredibly happy. I despise the idea of you sad or upset or hurt.

I love the way you play the guitar.
I love the face you make when you’re thinking about something.
I love the way you smoke your cigarettes.
I love the way you sing, even though you’re not very good at it.
I love the way you laugh, especially when it’s because of something I said.
I love the way your eyes light up when you’re talking about something you love or something you find funny.
I love the way you braid my hair.
I love how attentive you are when someone is telling you something.
I love the way you look at me.

Even if you’re not looking at me how I look at you.

I love your smile. I’m convinced it could cure cancer.

There’s so much more to you that I don’t know yet, but I want to. I want to know every single thing about you. I want to know what makes you tick. I want to know your opinion on everything. I want to know what makes you happy and what pulls on your heart strings.

When I’m with you, I have no worries. I’m usually stressing about everything, but not when I’m next to you. I don’t worry about bills or money or the future. I’m just with you. In the moment. And I feel like I’m on fire.

I don’t know what’s going to happen between us. I don’t know how you feel or what you’re thinking.

But none of that even matters. I’m lucky enough to even know you, let alone have the honor of being able to spend time with you.

Because you feel like home.