For the best.

I’m starting to realize how completely wrong you are for me.
You’re an addictive high. And I’m starting to come down.

I lost sight of myself in all of this. I got lost. I sacrificed so much of myself to make you happy, and that was extremely wrong of me. It’s a mistake that I’ve made before with other people in my life. A mistake that I told myself I would never make again, but I did it anyway.

I’m not going to tell myself that I won’t do it again. I’m just going to promise myself that I need to start making that mistake on people more worthy of it.

You’re a good person. And you didn’t really do anything wrong. I was just unable to see your flaws because of my blind devotion. And that’s one hundred percent on me.

I still think you deserve the whole world. I thought that it was something only I could give you, but now I’m sure there’s someone else out there more suited for a person like you.

Somebody more submissive. Someone a little more quiet. Someone a little less bold.

And that’s okay. All that matters is that I recognize it.

You’re still my best friend and I still love you. I always will.

Prudent

Something I am not. Something I have never been.

When I was asked for the first time, in elementary school, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I responded, “A bird.” I knew I couldn’t be a bird. I understood that it was physically impossible to transform from human to bird. I just wanted to fly.

During high school my guidance counselor asked me where I saw myself in five years. I said, “Somewhere.” He looked confused, but I honestly didn’t know how to answer that question because I didn’t really see myself anywhere specific.

I’ve always lived my life day by day. I pity people who work a boring desk job for 50 years, saving all of their pennies for retirement. My thought has always been, “What if I don’t make it to retirement?” What then? What was the point if I get hit by a bus walking across the street? You can’t plan for your life when you don’t know what’s going to happen.

Buy the shoes. Eat the cake. Travel. Make memories. Love. Smile. Laugh so loud you snort. Just live.

“Nobody can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel. You’re in control of your own emotions. You choose how you feel.”

My mom has been saying this to me my entire life. I used to believe her. I used to think that I was too emotional or too sensitive or too dramatic.
I’ve learned with age that that is wrong. Very very wrong.

We are not in complete control of our emotions. You don’t get to choose how you feel. If it were true, I currently wouldn’t be in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way towards me. I would just stop being in love with him. I wouldn’t be angry with my mother for the way she’s treated me and my siblings. I would simply just choose not to be angry. Depression and anxiety and other mental illnesses wouldn’t exist. Because people would just choose not to feel that way.

My mother has a rug that she sweeps everything under. She believes that as long as you tell yourself that it doesn’t affect you, that it won’t. Not even realizing that what she’s doing isn’t choosing how to feel; She’s choosing not to deal. She’s basically lying to herself, and it’s so completely unhealthy and delusional because all of those problems still live underneath her surface. Nothing gets resolved. Nothing gets handled.

She used to be able to make me feel so inferior. And now I don’t let her do that to me anymore. Because I know that I have every right to feel the way that I do. Everyone has every right to feel however they feel.

I hope anyone reading this understands that. I hope you understand that you have every right to feel however you are feeling right now. I also hope that, for your mental state’s sake, that you are equipped with the proper tools you need to deal with problems in a healthy manner. Because it took me so incredibly long to find mine.

Just A Few Adjustments.

I’m going to dive right in. For starters, I fell in love. I fell in love with someone who isn’t in love with me. And that, in itself, is super hard to deal with. Especially when you fall in love with someone who is your best friend and they aren’t in love with you in return. It hurts. It sucks. It’s miserable. It’s hard to fucking deal with. And I’m not the best at dealing with things that are hard or confusing or misleading or anything else you can think of to call it.

He’s amazing. He’s my best friend. And we are literally together every. single. day. Talk about a pain in the ass. And I know what you’re thinking. Why not just stop hanging out with him? Because I’ve been having the time of my life. I’ve learned so many things by having him in my life. I’ve grown and I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone. I’ve gone places and done things I would have never thought I’d do. And that’s important. It’s important to try new things. Growing is so important.

He makes me happy. Even if it’s not in the way I want him to. He makes me calm. He makes me realize what’s important in life. He makes me feel alive.

And I’ll hold onto it as long as I can. Because I feel honored to even have him at all.

Second, my period stopped about ten years ago. I had cysts on my ovaries and my period stopped and I was told that it probably wasn’t coming back. The word pre-menopausal was thrown around. It was super weird.

Well…I fell in love and apparently my body decided it wants a baby because now my period is back. And that’s been insane. For all the ladies reading this, remember your very first period? And how hard it was to adjust to it? And how much it fucked with you at first? Okay, well try reliving those adolescent days in your late twenties. It’s been insane.

So I’ve just been trying to learn how to deal. And it may take me some more time. But at the end of the day, I’m happy. I’m healthy. And I’m just taking it one day at a time. It’s all anyone can do.

Be happy. Be healthy. Live. Laugh. Love. Be free. Have a ball. Don’t take the things you have for granted. You’re lucky to have what you have.

Some Expert Life Advice – Trust Me.

I’m the friend that everyone else goes to with their problems. I get asked, “How are you so happy?” a lot. I’m going to tell you how. Here is how to be happy.

  1. Happiness is a mind set. Just like everything else in life, it’s a choice. You CHOOSE it. I’m not kidding. It’s that simple, but obviously there are many complications to sort through before you see it that way.
  2. STOP CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. This is a BIG one. It’s so much bigger than people realize. I used to spend so much of my time focusing on what other people thought about me. It led me to walk on eggshells and to make choices about things that I hated. Once, I literally changed my entire outfit because my aunt was coming over and I knew she would hate it. I knew she would comment on it. And it wasn’t a horrible outfit. I just knew it wasn’t something she’d like. That’s INSANE. If someone isn’t personally contributing to your life, FUCK THEM. I mean it. Fuck them. Their opinion of you is irrelevant. And trust me, you’re not going to stop someone’s opinion of you. People come from stubborn stock. If they think something of you, let them. Just stop caring. It doesn’t affect you as much as you feel like it does, I promise.
  3. LET GO OF NEGATIVE PEOPLE. I mean it. Get rid of them. I know that people aren’t disposable, and it’s not always the answer to just get rid of them. But I’m pretty sure 95% of the time, it is the answer. I’ve been there. I’ve called some of the most negative people my best friend. It’s toxic and it’s keeping you down. Misery loves company. Get some new people. If they’re family, it’s a little bit trickier, but I can tell you it’s super logical. Just distance yourself a little bit. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life.
  4. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP TO BE HAPPY. You don’t need anyone’s validation. I see this one the most. You stay with them because you don’t want to be alone, or you’re afraid to be financially independent or blah blah blah blah blah. Once again, toxic. And you don’t need that bullshit. There is nothing wrong with being single. It’s actually fucking exhilarating.
  5. STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Explore this world. There is so much to it. Do something that you could never picture yourself doing. Take a few risks. Make a couple mistakes. You’ll learn. You’ll grow. And you’ll have some kickass stories to tell all of your new friends. Which you will make. By getting rid of negative assholes and stepping out of your comfort zone.
  6. Pick your battles. This was a big one for me. I was always getting into some debate with someone about something. It was exhausting. I do have the weird off putting personality when it comes to making sure people are informed. I hate when someone talks out of their ass. I hate when they have this crazy opinion formed around other crazy opinions and they don’t care enough to look at the facts. Irritating. DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO GET INTO IT WITH THEM. I’ve learned this recently, and it’s made my soul a LOT happier. Just let it go. Unless you decide you absolutely can not. Then go for it. But that’s called choosing the battle. Which is “Stop caring about what other people think”s cousin.
  7. Mind your own business. Yes, you heard me. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. Stop worrying so much about what other people are doing. Focus on yourself.
  8. Small minds talk about people. Great minds talk about ideas. I love gossip just as much as the next person. I mainly love it because my life is tremendously drama free, so once in awhile, I like to hear about other people’s. So I get it. It can be entertaining. However, if you notice that you and the people you socialize with daily pretty much only talk about other people, then shame on you. You’re living a very simple and unfulfilling life. Talk about something else. You might surprise yourself.
  9. Do what makes you happy. Simple. You want something? Plan for it. Work for it. Don’t wait for things to just happen for you. Make things happen for yourself. It’s amazing and it’s much more rewarding. Work hard. Play hard. BE HAPPY.

 

There are a lot more things that lead to a happier life, but this is a really good start.

Stop and Smell the Roses

rosesssss

 

Let me just start this by saying that I have had the week from hell. Like, Satan woke up and looked through his registry and said to himself, “Hmmm….she’s had it far too easy lately, so let’s just change that for a bit.” I’m touched Satan, really, but can you please move on?

It started with me losing a friend. Now, normally death and I get along pretty well. I’ve lost a lot of people in my almost 27 years of life. I’ve never lost a 24 year old friend. And I’ve never lost a friend to drugs. Needless to say, this particular death has left a bad taste in my mouth. It hit me really hard and I’m not ashamed to say that I’m still processing it and trying to deal with it.

I met an amazing guy and we hit it off. So I thought that maybe that was a silver lining. Nope. Just another disappointment. Which, I should honestly not even be surprised about because my luck in the romance department…Well let’s just say that if I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.

On top of that, my boss has been a major pill. He’s been having some medical issues, so he isn’t always in the best of moods. That’s putting it nicely. He’s been using me as a punching bag for a┬álong time, and I think that all of this thrown together has just been pushing me over the edge.

BUT WAIT. There’s more! Someone hacked my debit card and took all of my money (I had $70.00 left and part of that was a bill that was due and the rest had to last me the whole week). They also over drafted my account. The bill that was due was my credit card bill, and since I couldn’t pay it, I got a late fee that I cannot get reversed.

SO. Here I am. Beaten, exhausted, depressed, angry, alone, sad, scared and penniless.

I had to drop my sister off at home after work and my mom called me and told me to come in for a moment. She sounded really angry, and I tried to think of what I might have done to upset her, but I was coming up short.

I walk in and she’s in her dining room and on the dining room table are bags and bags of groceries.

I know that she’s been stressed lately, so I grab a bag to start helping her put them away and she stops me.

My mom bought me bags and bags of groceries.

Now, none of you know me, but I assure you that I am obnoxiously independent. I don’t know how my mom knew that I was starving and that I have no food in my house. She did know that someone hacked my debit card, so she probably just put two and two together.

It was the nicest thing that someone has done for me in awhile.
And in that moment, my very horrible ugly week started to fade away.

Death is a natural part of life. A natural part of growing. And it’s inevitable. As tragic as it is, it’s still a learning experience. Cherish your moments on this Earth. Cherish the people that you hold dear. Life is so short, and you never know when your time is up. Spend your time wisely.

A boyfriend is not a necessity. It is not a priority. Relationships are hard, but if it’s ever meant to happen, I fully believe it will. And it’s also okay if it isn’t. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and don’t be afraid to try. If you get knocked down, get back up and try again.

People can be assholes. I’m sure Mr. Money Grabber in Chicago who was gallivanting around paying $8.00 for parking and $61.00 on shoes and $85.00 on who knows what else couldn’t have possibly stopped to think for a minute that he was honestly ruining someone. I’m sure he or she probably tried to justify it by thinking the card they hacked probably had a lot of dollars behind it, so that makes it okay. I forgive you. You’re a son of a bitch, and I’m sure Lady Karma has quite a treat in store for you, but I still forgive you. Enjoy your shoes.

My boss is human. And at the end of the day, he’s still a great boss and I’m still very thankful for him.

No matter how bad things get, they always get better. And they’ll get worse again. And better again. It’s balance.

I hope everyone else is enjoying their week. Stop and smell the roses.

In 20 years I’d like to be…

Goals. Dreams. Planning for the future.
Yeah, I don’t do any of that.

People are often pretty shocked when I tell them that I don’t really have any plans or goals for my future. They usually look either confused or horrified or a mixture of both. I don’t play that whole “Where do you see yourself in (insert number here) years” game. I think it’s pointless.

It’s pointless because I hate disappointment. I hate wanting something so badly and then it not happening. So, I learned early on in life that if I don’t make any huge plans or goals, then I can’t possibly be disappointed.

Some people seem to think it’s lazy or irresponsible. BUT GUESS WHAT? I don’t care what people think, especially when it comes to my life and how I choose to live it.

I’m 26 years old. I’ve made a career for myself, without college. I don’t make a huge amount of money, but I love my job and what I do and I make enough money to support myself. I have my own apartment that I pay for entirely on my own. I am about to buy my third car, all of which I have bought on my own. I have a 736 credit score, I have my of my shit together and I am utterly happy.

Do things go wrong? Sure. Am I sometimes unable to pay for something? Duh. Am I literally always happy at every single moment of my life? Almost!

Now, of course I set little goals. Goals that I know for a fact I’m going to accomplish. Because if there is any doubt at all, even a little, I want no part in it.

I literally live my life day by day. And I’m completely happy with that. I don’t have to stress about college loan debt. I don’t worry about really much of anything.

I’m also not positive the way I live would work for everyone. I’m just glad it works for me.

You Time.

There’s nothing I enjoy more than coming home after a long day of work. Coming home to a quiet, empty apartment where the smell is me and the mess is mine.

The dishes piled up in the sink can wait. All I need is a nice tall glass of ice water. Maybe some music. Cuddle up with fur baby and read a book or watch any movie of my choice on my huge flat screen.

I don’t have to do anything or answer to anyone. I can just be alone and quiet. Not have to talk for hours.

I love living by myself. Most people tell me they don’t know how I do it. They say, “I could never live all by myself. I would be too lonely.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not a recluse. I have friends and family over all the time. My brother spends the night at least three times a week. I have plenty of people in my life.

I go out too. All the time.

But.

I also really just love the quiet.
The silences so certain that I can hear all of my own thoughts.

Nobody asking me questions or telling me to do something or somebody needing something.

Just me. In my cozy little apartment cottage.

Find comfort in being by yourself. Learn about you. Focus on you.

People don’t realize how important time for yourself is. Even if you spend it doing the most simple things. It’s insanely significant.

And if you’re not comfortable by yourself, then I suggest you get to know you a little better.

Try it. You might surprise yourself.

 

Grateful. Thankful. Happy.

 

Every so often I like to forget about anything negative in my life and be grateful for all of the so many things I have to be thankful for.

So I’ve put on some good tunes and I’m prepared to talk about all of the amazing points of my life.

It’s always good to remind yourself of how lucky you are, no matter how lucky you aren’t.

If you can’t think of anything in your life to be thankful for, I’m very sorry. I’m sure it’s not your fault, but you obviously have some changes to make.

So here is what I’m thankful for.

  1. First and foremost, I am healthy and alive. I don’t have perfect 20/20 vision, but I can see. Not only can I see, but I also have very cute glasses that I love to wear. I just got over being sick. I had a pretty wicked sinus infection. But my body, immune system and a healthy dose of advil sinus and cold has cured me back to as good as new! I can walk. I can hear and taste and smell. I am alive.
  2. My family is amazing. I am absolutely blessed. Sure, they aren’t perfect and we don’t always get along. But no matter what happens, I know they love me and accept me no matter what. And they always have my back, even if I’m wrong. They listen to me and help me and support me. They are wonderful and kind and I love them all very much.
  3. I have great friends. I know that life gets busy and we all have things going on in our lives. But I have really amazing friends. Friends that would drop whatever they’re doing if I needed them. Friends who care about me and how I’m doing and what’s going on in my life. Good friends make a good life.
  4. I have the best dog in the world. Seriously. He’s probably better than your’s. I’m sorry to break the news this way, but it’s true.
  5. I have a roof over my head, clean clothes on my back and food on the table. I live by myself with my fur baby, so as you can probably guess, money gets tight. I don’t make a ton of it. But I’m very comfortable. Sure, sometimes I get a little behind on my bills. Sometimes things don’t always work out. But I’m never hungry, dirty or cold. And with a life like that, you can’t complain.
  6. I’m thankful for the little things in life. My guitar. My art work. My books. Music. Good tv shows. Good food. My many great scented candles. You have to appreciate the little things. They’re honestly the secret to happiness.
  7. I’m thankful for my healthy mind. This is a big one. Growing up, I wasn’t very aware of mental illnesses and what people and their family members go through. The older I get, the more aware of the world I am. And the more I see just how great I’ve had it, despite any hard times.
  8. I’m thankful for cigarettes. I know. Disgusting. But they keep me sane. They are my one unhealthy gross habit in life. My one vice. She’s an evil temptress, but she’s mine.
  9. I’m thankful that I’m happy. I see so many people struggle with their own happiness. It honestly breaks my heart, because I have to tell you dear readers, that happiness is the best choice I’ve ever made for myself. And the most important one. If you’re not happy, then why the hell are you here?
  10. I’m thankful for the things I’ve learned in this life. I’ve learned many things by my young and carefree age of 26 that most people don’t even learn until they’re on their death bed. I’ve learned to love myself, even the flaws. I’ve learned to not give a shit about what other people think of me, even family at times. It’s my life and I live it for me. Unless you’re paying my bills or contributing to my welfare (which no one besides me really is), then your opinions and thoughts about me do not matter one bit to me. I’ve learned to sweat the small stuff. My grandma Ethel taught me that. I’ve learned to TRY not to worry about the things that haven’t happened yet. People waste so much time and stress on things that “could” happen, that they forget about all of the things that currently are happening. I’ve learned that love is the greatest thing I can accomplish as a human being. I’ve learned a healthy amount about karma through personal experiences. It’s okay to take a bit from the universe sometimes, but just be sure to put some of it back. I’ve learned that nothing cures the blues like a good old fashioned healthy and spontaneous adventure. I’ve learned a lot, and I’m sure I still have a lot to learn. And I’m excited for that.
  11. I’m thankful for the world and how much of it I’ve seen. I’m also thankful for some of the parts that I haven’t seen.

That’s all I can think of for now. I’m sure I’m thankful for a lot more than that. These are just the things that came directly to mind. And now that I’ve gotten them down, I feel so much more blessed than when I started my list.

Love you. Love the world. Love everything. Find your happiness and hold on tight.

Because life is such a beautiful ride.

First Things First…

shhhhhAnonymous.

Definitely not a word that I have ever thought I would want to be. Most people want to be the exact opposite of it, and I know this, because I was one of them.

I’m fairly positive I’m not the only woman on this planet who was once a small girl dreaming of becoming a singer or a movie star or a big important CEO. That was the dream, after all.

But now it’s a little different.

I have a facebook, instagram, tumblr. I have a youtube and a twitter account that I never use.

I woke up today wanting something fresh. That’s what this blog is for; me. A new start.

I was trying to think of what I would want my blog to be for other people, but maybe it’s not supposed to be for other people. Maybe this is just for me. A little peace and quiet. Some me time. A little anonymity.