My Own Little Hell

I think I need to distance myself from you.
I thought that I could continue being your friend.
I thought I could do this.

I cry every time you leave.
I can’t understand why you do and say the things you do, but you claim to not have feelings for me.
I don’t think I can handle being your friend, especially being just your friend.

What happens when you meet someone?
What happens when you move on from me?
What happens when I’m no longer needed?

I love being here for you, especially because I feel that you met me for a reason.
I’m in your life for a reason.
I just hope that whatever that reason is, that it is fulfilled soon.
Because I can’t keep pretending.

I can’t keep pretending that I’m the “cool girl” who can just turn her feelings off.
Or ignore them.
Or tell them to go away.

I can’t keep pretending that I’m not wanting every single piece of you every single minute we’re together. And not together.

I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I’m trying so hard to be a good friend. I respect that you don’t feel the same way towards me, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy.

It’s not easy joking around with you.
It’s not easy having your arms around me.
It’s not easy looking over at you and catching you staring at me.
None of this is easy at all.
I’m constantly walking on eggshells so I don’t say something stupid or so I don’t freak you out and at the same time I’m trying to maintain how I’ve always acted around you.

I wish I never told you how I felt. Because at least then I could keep pretending that you wanted this too.

And you don’t.
And so I’m stuck.
I’m stuck between wanting you and wanting to be over you.

I wish I knew the right thing to do.

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Again.

I learned a very important lesson yesterday. And it’s not even the first time I’ve learned this lesson. For some reason, my brain forgets this lesson, and then I throw myself into a situation that forces me to re-learn this lesson over and over.

Mind your own fucking business.

Yes. That is it. The one thing I never seem to really learn how to do.

I can blame it on a lot of things. I’ll be the first person in this world to admit that I’m a nosy bitch. For real. 100%. I am super nosy. I’m just a very curious person, naturally. I like information. I like to be included on the gossip. I like to know things.

It’s a trap.

Another thing I blame it on is the fact that I really feel for people. If someone is sad or confused or needs help in any way whatsoever, a little alert goes off in my subconscious that is basically screaming “YOU NEED TO HELP THIS PERSON. YOU NEED TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER. DO IT. IT’S YOUR JOB.”

It’s not my job.

My brain just thinks it is. Therefore, I am constantly putting my own self at risk because here I am trying to help people, and coincidentally it’s with the information and gossip that I so willingly absorb through my pores like a sponge, which puts us back at square one where I should at some point say to myself that I need to mind my own fucking business.

We’ll probably have this same exact talk again.