My Own Little Hell

I think I need to distance myself from you.
I thought that I could continue being your friend.
I thought I could do this.

I cry every time you leave.
I can’t understand why you do and say the things you do, but you claim to not have feelings for me.
I don’t think I can handle being your friend, especially being just your friend.

What happens when you meet someone?
What happens when you move on from me?
What happens when I’m no longer needed?

I love being here for you, especially because I feel that you met me for a reason.
I’m in your life for a reason.
I just hope that whatever that reason is, that it is fulfilled soon.
Because I can’t keep pretending.

I can’t keep pretending that I’m the “cool girl” who can just turn her feelings off.
Or ignore them.
Or tell them to go away.

I can’t keep pretending that I’m not wanting every single piece of you every single minute we’re together. And not together.

I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I’m trying so hard to be a good friend. I respect that you don’t feel the same way towards me, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy.

It’s not easy joking around with you.
It’s not easy having your arms around me.
It’s not easy looking over at you and catching you staring at me.
None of this is easy at all.
I’m constantly walking on eggshells so I don’t say something stupid or so I don’t freak you out and at the same time I’m trying to maintain how I’ve always acted around you.

I wish I never told you how I felt. Because at least then I could keep pretending that you wanted this too.

And you don’t.
And so I’m stuck.
I’m stuck between wanting you and wanting to be over you.

I wish I knew the right thing to do.

To My Baby Sister’s Father…

“Pack your shit and get the fuck out of my house.” and “You’re a little bitch, just like your mother.” are not really appropriate responses to your 13 year old child. Especially when all she did was leave the room to go upstairs to her room to finish the show that you rudely changed the channel on while she was in the middle of watching it, not that what she did even matters. You’re the adult and you should know better.

I’ve known you for a long time. And you’ve never been a nice person. You’re actually a really horrible person, but I always figured it was because my brother and I aren’t your children. And my mom is an easy target.

I never thought I’d see the day where you treat your own daughter as harshly and as horrible as you treat everyone else in your life.

And now you have.

I’m not one to wish ill on a person. And I’m not wishing ill on you by any means. I just hope you know that I honestly don’t give a fuck what happens to you. I don’t care if you drink yourself to death. I don’t care if you end up alone and even more miserable because you don’t know how to treat people properly. I don’t care if my baby sister never speaks to you again. Because you 100% deserve whatever bad things you have coming for you.

Karma is a bitch, and you are no exception.

I am truly sorry for whatever happened to you that made you into this mean, hateful, racist, homophobic and misogynistic asshole that you are today.

I would love to say I wish my mom never met you, but then I wouldn’t have the amazing, hilarious, goofy, intelligent and beautiful baby girl that is my sister, my best friend and my everything.

I thank you for her. And that’s it.

And you better hope to whatever God you believe in that she turns out just fine from all of this.
You’d better pray that she understands that your words are just the inner reflection on how you feel about YOURSELF, and that, despite how they sound coming out of your mouth, that it has nothing to do with who she is at all.

Because she is nothing like you whatsoever.

She is kind and understanding. She is respectful and beautiful. She is sweet and forgiving. She is compassionate and trustworthy. She is a good person.

She is everything that you will never be.

And if you didn’t already know this, I will do whatever I have to do to protect her.