For the best.

I’m starting to realize how completely wrong you are for me.
You’re an addictive high. And I’m starting to come down.

I lost sight of myself in all of this. I got lost. I sacrificed so much of myself to make you happy, and that was extremely wrong of me. It’s a mistake that I’ve made before with other people in my life. A mistake that I told myself I would never make again, but I did it anyway.

I’m not going to tell myself that I won’t do it again. I’m just going to promise myself that I need to start making that mistake on people more worthy of it.

You’re a good person. And you didn’t really do anything wrong. I was just unable to see your flaws because of my blind devotion. And that’s one hundred percent on me.

I still think you deserve the whole world. I thought that it was something only I could give you, but now I’m sure there’s someone else out there more suited for a person like you.

Somebody more submissive. Someone a little more quiet. Someone a little less bold.

And that’s okay. All that matters is that I recognize it.

You’re still my best friend and I still love you. I always will.

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Just A Few Adjustments.

I’m going to dive right in. For starters, I fell in love. I fell in love with someone who isn’t in love with me. And that, in itself, is super hard to deal with. Especially when you fall in love with someone who is your best friend and they aren’t in love with you in return. It hurts. It sucks. It’s miserable. It’s hard to fucking deal with. And I’m not the best at dealing with things that are hard or confusing or misleading or anything else you can think of to call it.

He’s amazing. He’s my best friend. And we are literally together every. single. day. Talk about a pain in the ass. And I know what you’re thinking. Why not just stop hanging out with him? Because I’ve been having the time of my life. I’ve learned so many things by having him in my life. I’ve grown and I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone. I’ve gone places and done things I would have never thought I’d do. And that’s important. It’s important to try new things. Growing is so important.

He makes me happy. Even if it’s not in the way I want him to. He makes me calm. He makes me realize what’s important in life. He makes me feel alive.

And I’ll hold onto it as long as I can. Because I feel honored to even have him at all.

Second, my period stopped about ten years ago. I had cysts on my ovaries and my period stopped and I was told that it probably wasn’t coming back. The word pre-menopausal was thrown around. It was super weird.

Well…I fell in love and apparently my body decided it wants a baby because now my period is back. And that’s been insane. For all the ladies reading this, remember your very first period? And how hard it was to adjust to it? And how much it fucked with you at first? Okay, well try reliving those adolescent days in your late twenties. It’s been insane.

So I’ve just been trying to learn how to deal. And it may take me some more time. But at the end of the day, I’m happy. I’m healthy. And I’m just taking it one day at a time. It’s all anyone can do.

Be happy. Be healthy. Live. Laugh. Love. Be free. Have a ball. Don’t take the things you have for granted. You’re lucky to have what you have.

You asked me to write you a love letter. I’m not going to give this to you.

You asked me to write you a love letter. You never said I had to actually give it to you. Or even confirm that I wrote one. You just asked me to do it.

Having you in my life has been wild. I have so much fun with you. You always keep me smiling and laughing. We have the best conversations. And even though your ideas are crazy, irresponsible, dangerous and usually borderline impossible, I love them. Because they come from you.

I could listen to you talk all day. I would never get tired of it. You could sit there for three hours and just say the word ‘lamp’ every thirty seconds, and I wouldn’t be bored.

I wish you realized how I look at you.

I love that you always smell good. And it’s not just because you have different kinds of expensive cologne. There’s an actual science to natural pheromones and the way our bodies mix with our artificial smells. You’re intoxicating.

You’re a drug addict. And you think that deems you unworthy, but I’m so proud of you. I admire you for being strong and kicking the drugs. I admire you for your struggle and for trying so hard to turn your life around. I think so highly of the fact that you wake up every day and choose not to take them. And even if you did, I would still be here. Still rooting for you. Still by your side no matter what.

I love your music. You’re talented and wonderful and if you ever wanted to do something more with it, I support the shit out of you. I’ll be your biggest fan. I can tell you love it. You’re so passionate.

I love how nice you are to my animals. Even though you don’t even like cats. I also love how much they both love you too.

I just want you to be happy. No matter what you’re doing or where you are or who you’re with. I just want you to be so incredibly happy. I despise the idea of you sad or upset or hurt.

I love the way you play the guitar.
I love the face you make when you’re thinking about something.
I love the way you smoke your cigarettes.
I love the way you sing, even though you’re not very good at it.
I love the way you laugh, especially when it’s because of something I said.
I love the way your eyes light up when you’re talking about something you love or something you find funny.
I love the way you braid my hair.
I love how attentive you are when someone is telling you something.
I love the way you look at me.

Even if you’re not looking at me how I look at you.

I love your smile. I’m convinced it could cure cancer.

There’s so much more to you that I don’t know yet, but I want to. I want to know every single thing about you. I want to know what makes you tick. I want to know your opinion on everything. I want to know what makes you happy and what pulls on your heart strings.

When I’m with you, I have no worries. I’m usually stressing about everything, but not when I’m next to you. I don’t worry about bills or money or the future. I’m just with you. In the moment. And I feel like I’m on fire.

I don’t know what’s going to happen between us. I don’t know how you feel or what you’re thinking.

But none of that even matters. I’m lucky enough to even know you, let alone have the honor of being able to spend time with you.

Because you feel like home.

Little Girls and Broken Hearts

I’m sure you can all guess that when I found out that my baby sister, who is 14 years old, had gotten herself a boyfriend, that I wasn’t really the happiest 26 year old on the planet. However, I was as supportive and happy for her as I could be.

That relationship didn’t last long. Maybe a couple weeks or so. My sister came to the conclusion that they were better off as friends, and that’s how she wanted them to stay.

I was, needless to say, super relieved.

Until I find out that she now has a second boyfriend.

This one lasted a bit longer. I slowly realized that she really really liked this boy. My sister isn’t one for sharing too much, and she doesn’t really talk a lot, so getting information out of her is pretty difficult.

So she likes this boy. They date for a few months. He’s at all of the family gatherings and her birthday party. He seemed okay I suppose. His hair was always nice and he didn’t talk enough for me to form any real opinions of him.

So the other day my sister spent the night at my house. We’ve tried to cram as many sleepovers as we could into this summer. I was playing snake on the roku and she was on her phone. She got really quiet out of nowhere and I could see out of the corner of my eye that she’s holding her phone up and outward facing me.

This is something she does often. She’ll find something funny or cute and she’ll show it to me. I tried to look really fast because I didn’t want to mess up in snake. All I saw was that it was a super long text and I noticed my sister’s face wasn’t her normal cheerful self. So I paused the game and took her phone and read the most stupid break up text of my life.

TIP FOR ALL OF YOU : Do NOT break up with your significant other over text message. I don’t care what condition your relationship is in or how old you are or anything. Do it in person, or at least over a phone call. And even a phone call is pushing it. Cowards break up through text messages. Don’t be a coward.

So immediately I knew that she was really upset. She didn’t say anything, and she didn’t have to.

I put down the roku remote and I opened my arms and she slid right into my lap and cried for what seemed like hours, but was probably about 20 minutes.

I always knew this day would come. I just didn’t think that this day was already here. As you can guess by the ages, there are 13 years between us (my birthday is in a couple of weeks). So most things that she is experiencing at her age, I’ve already experienced and then some. I’ve always been her best friend, and we will always be best friends, but I won’t deny that there is and always will be a slight motherly bond between us. It stems from the fact that I basically raised the child mixed with the fact that people are ALWAYS assuming we’re mother and daughter.

So as you can guess at this point, my heart is broken too. I’m extremely overprotective and this boy is very lucky that I am not the violent type. Because I would be in jail right now instead of typing this.

I just love her to pieces and I know she’s going to be fine and this is all part of growing up and blah blah blah.

I just hate it.

Stop and Smell the Roses

rosesssss

 

Let me just start this by saying that I have had the week from hell. Like, Satan woke up and looked through his registry and said to himself, “Hmmm….she’s had it far too easy lately, so let’s just change that for a bit.” I’m touched Satan, really, but can you please move on?

It started with me losing a friend. Now, normally death and I get along pretty well. I’ve lost a lot of people in my almost 27 years of life. I’ve never lost a 24 year old friend. And I’ve never lost a friend to drugs. Needless to say, this particular death has left a bad taste in my mouth. It hit me really hard and I’m not ashamed to say that I’m still processing it and trying to deal with it.

I met an amazing guy and we hit it off. So I thought that maybe that was a silver lining. Nope. Just another disappointment. Which, I should honestly not even be surprised about because my luck in the romance department…Well let’s just say that if I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.

On top of that, my boss has been a major pill. He’s been having some medical issues, so he isn’t always in the best of moods. That’s putting it nicely. He’s been using me as a punching bag for a long time, and I think that all of this thrown together has just been pushing me over the edge.

BUT WAIT. There’s more! Someone hacked my debit card and took all of my money (I had $70.00 left and part of that was a bill that was due and the rest had to last me the whole week). They also over drafted my account. The bill that was due was my credit card bill, and since I couldn’t pay it, I got a late fee that I cannot get reversed.

SO. Here I am. Beaten, exhausted, depressed, angry, alone, sad, scared and penniless.

I had to drop my sister off at home after work and my mom called me and told me to come in for a moment. She sounded really angry, and I tried to think of what I might have done to upset her, but I was coming up short.

I walk in and she’s in her dining room and on the dining room table are bags and bags of groceries.

I know that she’s been stressed lately, so I grab a bag to start helping her put them away and she stops me.

My mom bought me bags and bags of groceries.

Now, none of you know me, but I assure you that I am obnoxiously independent. I don’t know how my mom knew that I was starving and that I have no food in my house. She did know that someone hacked my debit card, so she probably just put two and two together.

It was the nicest thing that someone has done for me in awhile.
And in that moment, my very horrible ugly week started to fade away.

Death is a natural part of life. A natural part of growing. And it’s inevitable. As tragic as it is, it’s still a learning experience. Cherish your moments on this Earth. Cherish the people that you hold dear. Life is so short, and you never know when your time is up. Spend your time wisely.

A boyfriend is not a necessity. It is not a priority. Relationships are hard, but if it’s ever meant to happen, I fully believe it will. And it’s also okay if it isn’t. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and don’t be afraid to try. If you get knocked down, get back up and try again.

People can be assholes. I’m sure Mr. Money Grabber in Chicago who was gallivanting around paying $8.00 for parking and $61.00 on shoes and $85.00 on who knows what else couldn’t have possibly stopped to think for a minute that he was honestly ruining someone. I’m sure he or she probably tried to justify it by thinking the card they hacked probably had a lot of dollars behind it, so that makes it okay. I forgive you. You’re a son of a bitch, and I’m sure Lady Karma has quite a treat in store for you, but I still forgive you. Enjoy your shoes.

My boss is human. And at the end of the day, he’s still a great boss and I’m still very thankful for him.

No matter how bad things get, they always get better. And they’ll get worse again. And better again. It’s balance.

I hope everyone else is enjoying their week. Stop and smell the roses.

You Time.

There’s nothing I enjoy more than coming home after a long day of work. Coming home to a quiet, empty apartment where the smell is me and the mess is mine.

The dishes piled up in the sink can wait. All I need is a nice tall glass of ice water. Maybe some music. Cuddle up with fur baby and read a book or watch any movie of my choice on my huge flat screen.

I don’t have to do anything or answer to anyone. I can just be alone and quiet. Not have to talk for hours.

I love living by myself. Most people tell me they don’t know how I do it. They say, “I could never live all by myself. I would be too lonely.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not a recluse. I have friends and family over all the time. My brother spends the night at least three times a week. I have plenty of people in my life.

I go out too. All the time.

But.

I also really just love the quiet.
The silences so certain that I can hear all of my own thoughts.

Nobody asking me questions or telling me to do something or somebody needing something.

Just me. In my cozy little apartment cottage.

Find comfort in being by yourself. Learn about you. Focus on you.

People don’t realize how important time for yourself is. Even if you spend it doing the most simple things. It’s insanely significant.

And if you’re not comfortable by yourself, then I suggest you get to know you a little better.

Try it. You might surprise yourself.

 

Grateful. Thankful. Happy.

 

Every so often I like to forget about anything negative in my life and be grateful for all of the so many things I have to be thankful for.

So I’ve put on some good tunes and I’m prepared to talk about all of the amazing points of my life.

It’s always good to remind yourself of how lucky you are, no matter how lucky you aren’t.

If you can’t think of anything in your life to be thankful for, I’m very sorry. I’m sure it’s not your fault, but you obviously have some changes to make.

So here is what I’m thankful for.

  1. First and foremost, I am healthy and alive. I don’t have perfect 20/20 vision, but I can see. Not only can I see, but I also have very cute glasses that I love to wear. I just got over being sick. I had a pretty wicked sinus infection. But my body, immune system and a healthy dose of advil sinus and cold has cured me back to as good as new! I can walk. I can hear and taste and smell. I am alive.
  2. My family is amazing. I am absolutely blessed. Sure, they aren’t perfect and we don’t always get along. But no matter what happens, I know they love me and accept me no matter what. And they always have my back, even if I’m wrong. They listen to me and help me and support me. They are wonderful and kind and I love them all very much.
  3. I have great friends. I know that life gets busy and we all have things going on in our lives. But I have really amazing friends. Friends that would drop whatever they’re doing if I needed them. Friends who care about me and how I’m doing and what’s going on in my life. Good friends make a good life.
  4. I have the best dog in the world. Seriously. He’s probably better than your’s. I’m sorry to break the news this way, but it’s true.
  5. I have a roof over my head, clean clothes on my back and food on the table. I live by myself with my fur baby, so as you can probably guess, money gets tight. I don’t make a ton of it. But I’m very comfortable. Sure, sometimes I get a little behind on my bills. Sometimes things don’t always work out. But I’m never hungry, dirty or cold. And with a life like that, you can’t complain.
  6. I’m thankful for the little things in life. My guitar. My art work. My books. Music. Good tv shows. Good food. My many great scented candles. You have to appreciate the little things. They’re honestly the secret to happiness.
  7. I’m thankful for my healthy mind. This is a big one. Growing up, I wasn’t very aware of mental illnesses and what people and their family members go through. The older I get, the more aware of the world I am. And the more I see just how great I’ve had it, despite any hard times.
  8. I’m thankful for cigarettes. I know. Disgusting. But they keep me sane. They are my one unhealthy gross habit in life. My one vice. She’s an evil temptress, but she’s mine.
  9. I’m thankful that I’m happy. I see so many people struggle with their own happiness. It honestly breaks my heart, because I have to tell you dear readers, that happiness is the best choice I’ve ever made for myself. And the most important one. If you’re not happy, then why the hell are you here?
  10. I’m thankful for the things I’ve learned in this life. I’ve learned many things by my young and carefree age of 26 that most people don’t even learn until they’re on their death bed. I’ve learned to love myself, even the flaws. I’ve learned to not give a shit about what other people think of me, even family at times. It’s my life and I live it for me. Unless you’re paying my bills or contributing to my welfare (which no one besides me really is), then your opinions and thoughts about me do not matter one bit to me. I’ve learned to sweat the small stuff. My grandma Ethel taught me that. I’ve learned to TRY not to worry about the things that haven’t happened yet. People waste so much time and stress on things that “could” happen, that they forget about all of the things that currently are happening. I’ve learned that love is the greatest thing I can accomplish as a human being. I’ve learned a healthy amount about karma through personal experiences. It’s okay to take a bit from the universe sometimes, but just be sure to put some of it back. I’ve learned that nothing cures the blues like a good old fashioned healthy and spontaneous adventure. I’ve learned a lot, and I’m sure I still have a lot to learn. And I’m excited for that.
  11. I’m thankful for the world and how much of it I’ve seen. I’m also thankful for some of the parts that I haven’t seen.

That’s all I can think of for now. I’m sure I’m thankful for a lot more than that. These are just the things that came directly to mind. And now that I’ve gotten them down, I feel so much more blessed than when I started my list.

Love you. Love the world. Love everything. Find your happiness and hold on tight.

Because life is such a beautiful ride.

Love Yourself.

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“In your life you will cross paths with many people who want to put you down. Don’t be one of them.”

I’m not sure who said it, but I literally live by it.

Insecurities are a funny thing and we all have them. Some people let their insecurities define them. Some people, like me, have their days where they let their insecurities eat them alive. I’m working on it.

But at the end of the day, just love yourself. Because you’re the only you. And it doesn’t matter what you look like or how much you weigh or how smart you are. Everybody is good at something. Everybody has something to offer the world.

If there’s something about yourself that you don’t like, change it. If it’s something physical like your nose or your ears, learn to love them. They’re a part of you. Unless you have thousands of dollars for a nose job. Then sure. Go with that. I wouldn’t recommend it though. You might just miss it once it’s gone.

I get over my insecurities by focusing on my good points. I’m fun. I’m silly. I’m hilarious. I’m witty. I’m kind. I’m a good friend. I sing well. I have pretty eyes. I have great hair.

Make a list of what you like about you. Pretty soon, what you don’t like won’t matter as much.

I was bullied a lot when I was in school. I hated myself. I hated everything about me. You know what they say; You’re your own worst critic. It’s true. Nobody hated me more than I did at one point.

But you grow up. And you realize that the things other people think about you don’t matter at all. Especially when you realize that most of them aren’t true.

So start loving yourself. Live your life for you. Don’t waste time or thought on what other people think because they’re not in control of your life.

And if it means anything to you at all, I love you just the way you are.

You’re the perfect you.

 

Love is hard to come by.

How-to-love

Love is a tough subject. Because, let’s face it, everybody loves differently. Every single person has their own perceptions and opinions on what love truly means to them.

Personally, love is everything. Whether you’re applying it to people or interests or what you do on this Earth. It’s everywhere.

For example, I love the sky. I love the Earth. I love my family. I love my job. I love my dog. I love food. I love music. I love to sing. I love to live.

And I live to love.

I believe that love is absolutely one of the most important things we do in our lives.

But let’s focus on the people we love for a minute. Because a few things have come about in my life the past few weeks and it one hundred percent infuriates me.

My best friend in the world is married. Marriage, if you didn’t know, is a big deal. It’s a huge lifetime commitment. Marriage is you giving yourself and all that you have to one other person. You build a life together and make a family together. You grow together. At least, that’s what I was taught.

Now, I’m not married. So I’m not even going to pretend that I even know exactly what I’m talking about. But, for argument’s sake, this is my blog (insert playful laughter here).

My best friend is married. We will call her Sally and we will call her husband Brad. Sally and Brad have been married for about half of a decade now. They have a child together, but the child is not Brad’s. Brad knows this because he started dating Sally when she was quite noticeably pregnant. So that’s not an issue.

The issue is this; Sally does not give a shit about Brad. I will repeat that.

SALLY DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT BRAD.

And Brad is a great guy. He has a good job. Makes good money. He supports Sally and the child they are raising together. Sally drives a very nice car (Thanks to Brad) and they live in a very nice house (also thanks to Brad). Brad cares about Sally and their child very much and would pretty much do anything to make them both happy.

Sally is cheating on Brad, has been cheating on Brad. And not just with one or two guys, no. Sally has cheated on Brad a LOT.

I hope I’m not losing you dear readers, because I promise I have a point and will be making it very soon.

This bothers me very much. Because you do not treat people like that.

Unfortunately, Sally was not raised under the best circumstances. She had a bit of a rough upbringing. She was never really taught how to properly love and treat other people, there by she has ended up as a very selfish and manipulative person. Of course, all of that isn’t her fault. But I have to wonder, because she would never treat me or any of her other friends that way. And if that’s the case, then why has she treated Brad this way?

Love is beautiful. Love is, as they say, patient and kind. Love is not proud or boastful. Love is not jealous or petty.

Love is wanting the best for another. Love is wanting another to be happy, no matter what that entails. Love is sacrifice. And love isn’t easy.

Love doesn’t cheat.

I really wish people would start to realize this.

I really wish people would learn how to love. I’m so fed up with watching us all run around and hurt one another. It’s not exactly the kind of world I want to live in.

I realize this has become more of a rant than anything else. I’m sure a lot of you out there would agree with me. And if that’s the case, then maybe love has a future after all.