For the best.

I’m starting to realize how completely wrong you are for me.
You’re an addictive high. And I’m starting to come down.

I lost sight of myself in all of this. I got lost. I sacrificed so much of myself to make you happy, and that was extremely wrong of me. It’s a mistake that I’ve made before with other people in my life. A mistake that I told myself I would never make again, but I did it anyway.

I’m not going to tell myself that I won’t do it again. I’m just going to promise myself that I need to start making that mistake on people more worthy of it.

You’re a good person. And you didn’t really do anything wrong. I was just unable to see your flaws because of my blind devotion. And that’s one hundred percent on me.

I still think you deserve the whole world. I thought that it was something only I could give you, but now I’m sure there’s someone else out there more suited for a person like you.

Somebody more submissive. Someone a little more quiet. Someone a little less bold.

And that’s okay. All that matters is that I recognize it.

You’re still my best friend and I still love you. I always will.

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“Nobody can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel. You’re in control of your own emotions. You choose how you feel.”

My mom has been saying this to me my entire life. I used to believe her. I used to think that I was too emotional or too sensitive or too dramatic.
I’ve learned with age that that is wrong. Very very wrong.

We are not in complete control of our emotions. You don’t get to choose how you feel. If it were true, I currently wouldn’t be in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way towards me. I would just stop being in love with him. I wouldn’t be angry with my mother for the way she’s treated me and my siblings. I would simply just choose not to be angry. Depression and anxiety and other mental illnesses wouldn’t exist. Because people would just choose not to feel that way.

My mother has a rug that she sweeps everything under. She believes that as long as you tell yourself that it doesn’t affect you, that it won’t. Not even realizing that what she’s doing isn’t choosing how to feel; She’s choosing not to deal. She’s basically lying to herself, and it’s so completely unhealthy and delusional because all of those problems still live underneath her surface. Nothing gets resolved. Nothing gets handled.

She used to be able to make me feel so inferior. And now I don’t let her do that to me anymore. Because I know that I have every right to feel the way that I do. Everyone has every right to feel however they feel.

I hope anyone reading this understands that. I hope you understand that you have every right to feel however you are feeling right now. I also hope that, for your mental state’s sake, that you are equipped with the proper tools you need to deal with problems in a healthy manner. Because it took me so incredibly long to find mine.

You asked me to write you a love letter. I’m not going to give this to you.

You asked me to write you a love letter. You never said I had to actually give it to you. Or even confirm that I wrote one. You just asked me to do it.

Having you in my life has been wild. I have so much fun with you. You always keep me smiling and laughing. We have the best conversations. And even though your ideas are crazy, irresponsible, dangerous and usually borderline impossible, I love them. Because they come from you.

I could listen to you talk all day. I would never get tired of it. You could sit there for three hours and just say the word ‘lamp’ every thirty seconds, and I wouldn’t be bored.

I wish you realized how I look at you.

I love that you always smell good. And it’s not just because you have different kinds of expensive cologne. There’s an actual science to natural pheromones and the way our bodies mix with our artificial smells. You’re intoxicating.

You’re a drug addict. And you think that deems you unworthy, but I’m so proud of you. I admire you for being strong and kicking the drugs. I admire you for your struggle and for trying so hard to turn your life around. I think so highly of the fact that you wake up every day and choose not to take them. And even if you did, I would still be here. Still rooting for you. Still by your side no matter what.

I love your music. You’re talented and wonderful and if you ever wanted to do something more with it, I support the shit out of you. I’ll be your biggest fan. I can tell you love it. You’re so passionate.

I love how nice you are to my animals. Even though you don’t even like cats. I also love how much they both love you too.

I just want you to be happy. No matter what you’re doing or where you are or who you’re with. I just want you to be so incredibly happy. I despise the idea of you sad or upset or hurt.

I love the way you play the guitar.
I love the face you make when you’re thinking about something.
I love the way you smoke your cigarettes.
I love the way you sing, even though you’re not very good at it.
I love the way you laugh, especially when it’s because of something I said.
I love the way your eyes light up when you’re talking about something you love or something you find funny.
I love the way you braid my hair.
I love how attentive you are when someone is telling you something.
I love the way you look at me.

Even if you’re not looking at me how I look at you.

I love your smile. I’m convinced it could cure cancer.

There’s so much more to you that I don’t know yet, but I want to. I want to know every single thing about you. I want to know what makes you tick. I want to know your opinion on everything. I want to know what makes you happy and what pulls on your heart strings.

When I’m with you, I have no worries. I’m usually stressing about everything, but not when I’m next to you. I don’t worry about bills or money or the future. I’m just with you. In the moment. And I feel like I’m on fire.

I don’t know what’s going to happen between us. I don’t know how you feel or what you’re thinking.

But none of that even matters. I’m lucky enough to even know you, let alone have the honor of being able to spend time with you.

Because you feel like home.