My Own Little Hell

I think I need to distance myself from you.
I thought that I could continue being your friend.
I thought I could do this.

I cry every time you leave.
I can’t understand why you do and say the things you do, but you claim to not have feelings for me.
I don’t think I can handle being your friend, especially being just your friend.

What happens when you meet someone?
What happens when you move on from me?
What happens when I’m no longer needed?

I love being here for you, especially because I feel that you met me for a reason.
I’m in your life for a reason.
I just hope that whatever that reason is, that it is fulfilled soon.
Because I can’t keep pretending.

I can’t keep pretending that I’m the “cool girl” who can just turn her feelings off.
Or ignore them.
Or tell them to go away.

I can’t keep pretending that I’m not wanting every single piece of you every single minute we’re together. And not together.

I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I’m trying so hard to be a good friend. I respect that you don’t feel the same way towards me, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy.

It’s not easy joking around with you.
It’s not easy having your arms around me.
It’s not easy looking over at you and catching you staring at me.
None of this is easy at all.
I’m constantly walking on eggshells so I don’t say something stupid or so I don’t freak you out and at the same time I’m trying to maintain how I’ve always acted around you.

I wish I never told you how I felt. Because at least then I could keep pretending that you wanted this too.

And you don’t.
And so I’m stuck.
I’m stuck between wanting you and wanting to be over you.

I wish I knew the right thing to do.

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Just a little rant.

I just really want to bitch about something very important to me for a few minutes. It’s something I have a very strong opinion on, and I am begging you to not mistake my passion for insanity.

I know that I have done a feminist rant before, and this is kind of along those lines. I don’t know why it’s been so strongly apparent today, but it’s just been bugging me all day long and I can’t take it. I’ve got to get it down.

When I was younger, I was always reading magazines. You know the ones; 17. People. Elle. Vogue.

And I understand that a lot of times they appreciate a woman’s beauty and blah blah blah. And I’m sure they’ve done a lot of strong and independent pieces over the years. I honestly haven’t picked one up in at least a decade.

But all I can remember is how I used to scan them to find the quizzes about boys and if your crush likes you back and how you’d be rated from 1-10 on your physical appearance and quirky tips to lure in the boys and blah blah blah.

And then I was driving to work this morning and I usually listen to Detroit’s very popular channel 955 on my way to work. And this particular morning they were talking about a hair removal facility, and the name slips me at this exact moment, but they talk about this place often.

Now, I don’t have a problem with them advertising for the hair removal facility. I know plenty of woman with abundant and unwanted body hair. I know women who shave their mustaches and chins and pluck their chest hairs. Even I find myself faced with a patch of unwanted fuzzies now and then. My problem wasn’t with them advertising it, no. Hell, if I could actually afford something like that, I have a few places I wouldn’t mind taking care of. My problem was with HOW they advertised it.

They were talking about summer coming up and how the ladies NEED to prepare for that and how easy preparation would be if the preparation itself wasn’t needed.

It’s misogyny in it’s finest and it honestly pisses me off. It pisses me off that women are made to feel worthless if they don’t fit the mold of society’s version of what we should look like. It’s exhausting.

I’m just sick of it. That’s all.
I wish people would just love people for themselves and that there wasn’t any pressure to be “better” when you’re just fine the way you are.

End rant.