My Own Little Hell

I think I need to distance myself from you.
I thought that I could continue being your friend.
I thought I could do this.

I cry every time you leave.
I can’t understand why you do and say the things you do, but you claim to not have feelings for me.
I don’t think I can handle being your friend, especially being just your friend.

What happens when you meet someone?
What happens when you move on from me?
What happens when I’m no longer needed?

I love being here for you, especially because I feel that you met me for a reason.
I’m in your life for a reason.
I just hope that whatever that reason is, that it is fulfilled soon.
Because I can’t keep pretending.

I can’t keep pretending that I’m the “cool girl” who can just turn her feelings off.
Or ignore them.
Or tell them to go away.

I can’t keep pretending that I’m not wanting every single piece of you every single minute we’re together. And not together.

I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I’m trying so hard to be a good friend. I respect that you don’t feel the same way towards me, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy.

It’s not easy joking around with you.
It’s not easy having your arms around me.
It’s not easy looking over at you and catching you staring at me.
None of this is easy at all.
I’m constantly walking on eggshells so I don’t say something stupid or so I don’t freak you out and at the same time I’m trying to maintain how I’ve always acted around you.

I wish I never told you how I felt. Because at least then I could keep pretending that you wanted this too.

And you don’t.
And so I’m stuck.
I’m stuck between wanting you and wanting to be over you.

I wish I knew the right thing to do.


Little Girls and Broken Hearts

I’m sure you can all guess that when I found out that my baby sister, who is 14 years old, had gotten herself a boyfriend, that I wasn’t really the happiest 26 year old on the planet. However, I was as supportive and happy for her as I could be.

That relationship didn’t last long. Maybe a couple weeks or so. My sister came to the conclusion that they were better off as friends, and that’s how she wanted them to stay.

I was, needless to say, super relieved.

Until I find out that she now has a second boyfriend.

This one lasted a bit longer. I slowly realized that she really really liked this boy. My sister isn’t one for sharing too much, and she doesn’t really talk a lot, so getting information out of her is pretty difficult.

So she likes this boy. They date for a few months. He’s at all of the family gatherings and her birthday party. He seemed okay I suppose. His hair was always nice and he didn’t talk enough for me to form any real opinions of him.

So the other day my sister spent the night at my house. We’ve tried to cram as many sleepovers as we could into this summer. I was playing snake on the roku and she was on her phone. She got really quiet out of nowhere and I could see out of the corner of my eye that she’s holding her phone up and outward facing me.

This is something she does often. She’ll find something funny or cute and she’ll show it to me. I tried to look really fast because I didn’t want to mess up in snake. All I saw was that it was a super long text and I noticed my sister’s face wasn’t her normal cheerful self. So I paused the game and took her phone and read the most stupid break up text of my life.

TIP FOR ALL OF YOU : Do NOT break up with your significant other over text message. I don’t care what condition your relationship is in or how old you are or anything. Do it in person, or at least over a phone call. And even a phone call is pushing it. Cowards break up through text messages. Don’t be a coward.

So immediately I knew that she was really upset. She didn’t say anything, and she didn’t have to.

I put down the roku remote and I opened my arms and she slid right into my lap and cried for what seemed like hours, but was probably about 20 minutes.

I always knew this day would come. I just didn’t think that this day was already here. As you can guess by the ages, there are 13 years between us (my birthday is in a couple of weeks). So most things that she is experiencing at her age, I’ve already experienced and then some. I’ve always been her best friend, and we will always be best friends, but I won’t deny that there is and always will be a slight motherly bond between us. It stems from the fact that I basically raised the child mixed with the fact that people are ALWAYS assuming we’re mother and daughter.

So as you can guess at this point, my heart is broken too. I’m extremely overprotective and this boy is very lucky that I am not the violent type. Because I would be in jail right now instead of typing this.

I just love her to pieces and I know she’s going to be fine and this is all part of growing up and blah blah blah.

I just hate it.